Writing The Story of a philosopher/incel/wanderer

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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Amber was already a year old, then Elaine was born. I watched her come home, and slowly become a young kid from a baby, all the while, watching my mother and this monster wearing human skin get closer,with him spending a great deal of time around my house. It came as no surprise to me to hear from my mother that he proposed, and she accepted. They were getting married, and he would move in full time obviously.
Nothing I could do, my mother had made up her mind. He was poor, but had a steady job, and paid attention to her every whim, it was a done deal. I was not happy, but with all my abilities of manipulation, I couldn't change her mind, she would be his endearing wife, and he would be my stepfather, like it or not(i did not).

By this time, she was no longer attending those bible meetings, and going to a traditional church. It was old, and named “Saint Mary’s on the Hill”. It was a small church, built of dark stone, but in the catholic style, classy, elegant, but small, right across from the west side Armory. Turns out it was there for over 120 years, and considered a historical monument. I was dragged there a number of times.
Their wedding was small, with few witnesses. There were the usual old biddies, who seem to enjoy being around for all church functions, regardless of function, and some other church regulars, lots of candles, and the officiating priest of course. Older than the hills, but seemed like a nice guy, he believed in what he was doing, I could tell. I was a pretty good judge of character, always have been. I was always a pretty good judge of character, another ability that I will discuss in the future.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Around this time there's something else I need to mention. I'm not sure how relevant it really is, but it happened nevertheless.
Around the age of 11 or 12 something started happening to me, not just a few times, but very often. I started manifesting an ability, I think the name for it is deja vu. I would occur not monthly, or even weekly, but almost daily. I would experience events and daily occurrences, normal stuff, but I would know somehow that ive done and seen these before. Not just the places, but the circumstances, the people, and conversations. It was POWERFUL, and often. Even to the point where sometimes I knew where certain conversations would lead, the very words. I saw it all, as it happened, and could see the next moves usually. Of course I kept this to myself, but was shocked every few days, the familiarity, the knowledge, was beyond my ability to understand at that young age. I never saw everything, but I witnessed it a lot, and often. The people, places, conversations, even the placements of donuts after church I knew somehow. No, I never saw lottery numbers unfortunately, but I still knew things as they happened. Later in life this became an extreme effect, and quite insane, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, at this age, it was disconcerting, and beyond my ken.
 

Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
So my mother rented a white suit for me, in my small size.It was literally the only time in my long life i've ever worn a full suit, and the only wedding i've ever attended. So for two reasons, this was to be a unique event for my whole life. My mother’s church wedding to a sleazy scumbag man. I believe I just turned 12, with a birthday on November 27th, a good day to be born no doubt.

I have little actual memory of the wedding, it took awhile, and there were tons of white candles, and the previously mentioned attendees. At least there was good food afterwards. Indeed a whole buffet in the churches “social area”. I enjoyed the food, if little else. All-you-can-eat functions always held a straightforward appeal to me, as a youngster, and an adult. Some things never change, free food is one of those things that remain eternally good.
They became man and wife. Her name changed to Dunshie, but I kept mine. I loved my name, and still do, even though I've never actually met my real father.

He moved in fully after that, and left the rooming-house he was living in previously that was above his restaurant. He was a smoker, as was my mother. She was a lifelong 3 pack a day smoker of pall mall cigarettes. Back then they were a lot cheaper, as were many things of course. Infact, 3 packs might be a serious understatement, but i'm being kind in my estimate. In my lifetime i've known many smokers, cigarettes, pipes,bongs, and joints, but never seen one smoke as much as her. To my knowledge, she owns the record for smoking the most i've ever seen.
 

Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
So, two unhealthy, mentally sick beings getting married with a young boy in the middle. What could go wrong? Like a marriage planning in the depths of Hell itself, designed to destroy innocence, and bring about misery and suffering for that boy’s lifetime, which it certainly did. If that was Hell’s plan, I have to honestly say, sadly, it succeeded. My life has been cursed with insanity, endless suffering, misery, and the presence of Evil throughout, but stubbornly, I remained, I still exist, well against the odds, In this one way, the infernal plan was foiled, because stubbornly, I remain, like a stain that you just cannot remove, I still exist, to tell the whole story, against Hell’s plans, i'm still here.
I know this must bug them to no end, the very fact that I remain, and never killed myself, and have turned out far stronger then they would have ever guessed. So I live, and continue,if only to spite all the Evil, cruelty,and pettiness in the world. I will be here, to the finish of it all,whatever the End will be.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Chapter 17: Evil creeps into my life, and Odd friends Help me
Right after the marriage from Hell itself, John moved into our place. We may have been living in Sherwood ave by that time, also on the west side of Buffalo. Those were much different times of course. Folks were generally unafraid to leave their homes, and took pride in their appearances. Lawns were watered and cut by hand, neighbors would wave, and actually be friendly to one another. I remember there was a plain dirt field across from a grocery store that was named Super Duper, that was mainly abandoned,not the grocery store, but the empty field.
I used it before for the infamous grasshopper incident in school. Was a great field for catching grasshoppers and crickets, wonderful actually. Turns out a lot of old west side Italian men used it often for playing an ancient game called “Bocce”, using unique weighted balls and pennies, looked slow but almost borderline fun. Watching as a kid, I often wished I could join, but the average age for this game was around 70 from what I observed, so I don't believe as a 12 year old boy I even qualified, so I never asked. However, to be very honest, even as a youngster, I felt far more comfortable around older folks then I ever have around kids, except for Joseph, I suspect he was an ancient soul, like myself, so we got along like close brothers.
Not always, but often. We understood each other truly, which is rare in this world.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
To avoid being around my mother’s new husband, I would often hang out in this field, watching then old men play, or wandering up and down Grant street, looking for drama, or anything interesting. Buffalo was not particularly “safe” but far safer then now, with crack houses everywhere, and a vast majority of the city becoming a ghetto, where one could get shot or stabbed walking down the sidewalk, minding one's business.
Almost like Buffalo was a different city back then. The west side was still considered “safe” at the time, the north as well, locations like tonawanda and such, fairly safe places, you could walk around generally unbothered. The south side was slightly less so, but it was far deader, less people, less crime, lots of abandoned places. Of course, all my life, as far as i was concerned, the less human beings, the better.
The East side of Buffalo, that was the issue. It was a complete ghetto, dangerous as Hell, violent, and chaotic. Of course, it was only logical that it also had the cheapest rents in the whole city of Buffalo. Only the desperate lived there, mainly. So naturally, my blood brother and closest friend and his mother lived there, regardless of risk. Which made visits hazardous, and not as often as I would have liked. I was mainly stuck on the West side most times. Grant street, West Ferry, and the surrounding regions, unless I did one of my long downtown walks. Having bus fare was rare, and Josephs visits to me were even far rarer, so I made do at the time with my side of Buffalo.
 

Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
The West side was my domain, as well as downtown. And I knew it well. I learned the area to its very limits by foot, up and down, just to get away whenever I could. I also had an interesting friendship with Patricia and Christian, who decided to take me under their wing, figuratively speaking. They of course already had their hands quite full with their little girl Amber, and another on the way soon. TO be honest, the last thing they needed was the company of a genius but damaged and strange boy to spend time with, but they did anyway. They were real troopers, flawed, never perfect, but good-hearted, and honest, which is also very rare in this evil-ridden earth. Like a unpolished gem, not quite ready for a ring, but amazing just the same.

We spent time together, Christian and I grew crystals, took in a lost praying mantis that attached itself to me, and I learned about model rockets and engines with him. He even designed a unique parachute disk, that saved more rockets from damage, and was amazing. We had some good times, and it was great to spend time with adults that didn't seem particularly mentally ill, or sick, with no secret agenda. It was refreshing to me, and I grew somewhat fond of them, at least as much as I was capable of, considering who and what I was, and my history to this point. I believe I was 12 during this period. Young, naive, but still and old soul, and a survivor type, always out for myself, in general. Not quite Evil yet, but I was on the Highway to Hell for sure, even though young.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
With hindsight I know this, and maybe better for them if they had never met me, but that's not how it went. They chose to befriend me, and my mother, and all the Evilness and issues that ensued. It was good, yes, but not particularly good for them.
They had kind hearts,and giving natures, but they were human, and sometimes their flaws showed through, but I will never blame them.All the fault lies with me, my selfish mother, and John Dunshie, a stepfather in name only, but an Evil sleazy man, who should have never married, or taken a stepson,but it sadly happened. I wish it didn't.
Patricia and Christian had their second daughter around that time, another small angel named elaine, a daughter,and smart as they get. I would spent a lot of time with them, because I liked them, which was strange, because I never liked many humans, adults nor kids. They seemed to mainly listen to me, which was helpful, and seemed to care somewhat as to what I said, or my opinions. Most adults dismissed me, cause I was young(the idea of an old soul didn't occur to many adults back then sadly), so i somewhat enjoyed their company in turn. It was time away from John, and my mother, which was not a bad thing to me.
 

Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Chapter 18:Religion gone amok! Book Tossing parties
Long before my mother ever met a monster named John Dunshie, and we still lived on 14th street above Linda Farley and her many kids, something life-changing happened to me. I've already mentioned the many girls she had, and the almost friendship of one of her two sons named Mark. Seemed like a good kid, but seriously oppressed by her strict religious beliefs and lifestyle. Christianity has its uses yes, I admit this, but classically it has also been used as a tool, a form of oppression and ultimate control, which to me is against human nature. If God exists, he created us as FREE beings, with our own choices,irregardless of bible teachings. And so-called “morality”. We are we who choose to be, and if there's truly a judgement at the End of all things, we may stand there, and attest. However, Until that time, we are free beings supposedly, with our own wills, and likes and dislikes, and who's to SAY what is truly right and wrong? Only the End judgement will tell,if it exists, I have no idea. Guess we’ll all find out eventually. In the meantime, we exist, here on Earth, in this twisted timeline, and who's to say what is truly right and wrong, or what's acceptable and what's not?
At that time, the landlady Linda Farley determined this, that's who. Either a tool of God's hand, or her own idea as to what was Godly and acceptable in her righteous house,and what was not, she turned out to be the judge, and the executioner ultimately.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
I mentioned earlier I loved adult novels(no not those adult novels), horror, sci-fi, fantasy, and very interesting mature readings. Others of my age were reading dick and jane book, or at the more young adult books, but I was on my own level altogether, reading about weird pet semataries, high school girls who took revenge with powers of the mind, and dramas about an ancient sunken almost mythological luxury ship sunk in 1912, and anything else advanced I could get my little greedy hands on.
In my ancient soul I was a reader, and absorbed books, like a thirsty man in the hot desert. They were the very essence of life for my mind and core of my being. However, I was quite picky as far as what I enjoyed reading. Anything out of the ordinary was my specialty. I was already immersed in the sad mundanities of life, so my escapism would have to be the opposite of that. The very limits of imagination was my favored realm. Stories were my refuge, and my shelter, away from all the crap that was my daily life, and our so-called "reality".
 

Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Life for me was borderline Hell itself, between the school antics, my rejections from all other students, and the hatred of neighborhood kids, for no actual reasons other than that I was “different” somehow. Mark was the only one in the entire westside of Buffalo that didnt mind my company it seemed, So books were my escape often, and reading was my second world. ,but my preferred one as well, I've always hated this world. At least the human part of it.
Ever since I can remember ive always had another abnormal ability. I know it was not ordinary because over the years ive discussed this with many fellow readers, and very few ive ever talked to admitted having this ability.

If i'm truly enjoying a story,to its fullest, at some point I cease to see the words themselves, and only see the story unfolding in my head, fully immersed in this reality somehow, like an actual screen in my head.I am still aware of the reality around me, but only peripherally. Its there, but not as important,or as commanding of my awareness as the story presenting itself to my inner eye. I'm not sure at what point it actually happens, the first 2 pages, or the first 10,but if its a book I'm truly enjoying, and into, rest assured, its going to happen. On the chance the work doesn't do this all, I put it aside, and move onto others,more worthy of my attention. I show no favoritism at all. Either it happens, or not. Either a work grabs me somehow, or it doesn't, much like this one.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Either you readers will want to go on somehow, or decide we have nothing in common. If the latter is the case, maybe you should move on, but if my story affects you somehow by this point, and even unsettles you a bit, then stay with me on this journey, and you shall see where it ultimately leads, for good or ill, it will lead somewhere, guaranteed. We have only begun my trials, just the tip of the iceberg, the sinking of the Titanic is yet to come, and quite soon, I can assure you. So the actual year was around 1981 i think,im not exactly sure.
Somehow Linda, the landlady, got wind of a certain rumor, either through her son Mark, or his brother(whose name I cannot remember, since we rarely talked) or his many sisters, that I was a young genius reader, with works of literature well beyond my age range and assumed abilities,. Also that I had a small collection of books that I kept, and collected over the years, on a rickety bookshelf in my small room. I did, of course, the shelf I'd salvaged from the trash, otherwise i'd have had nothing whatsoever to store them on. We were literally dirt poor, as I mentioned before. We had little, and much of what i'd had for myself, i found either on the street, or in the garbage, as seemed to be the very theme of my existence. Like a poor church mouse, scrounging whatever he could, to give his pious existence a little comfort, which was better then none at all!
 

Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
II was always good at salvaging, and fixing,because I had to be. My mother never seemed to have a dollar to spare, for school supplies, clothing,or whatever,but amazingly enough, there was always money for cigarettes somehow, regardless of our poverty level. It was like an actual miracle from Heaven itself. My few pants would have holes, my socks were torn and tattered from overuse, and even laundry needed to get done to remove mildew smells, but “sorry Johnny”, would be her normal response almost always. However, she always afforded smokes, somehow, someway, like a gift from God himself, a downright miracle from the higher Powers. At least 3 packs a day worth of manna from Heaven, she never did without. There was always funding for those. Who says miracles don't happen? They do if you are a smoker or an alcoholic. Like the old saying, God protects Drunks, fools, and little children. Maybe its actually true?
Regardless of our circumstances, or lack of clean clothes, or how empty the fridge was of food, she always had access to plenty of pricey cigarettes. Its enough to make one believe in "miracles".
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
One Sunday(well after church of course) Linda decided to pay us a visit, on the surface as a friendly gesture of course, but in reality, she had an agenda, a hidden one of course, just under the surface, but it was her primary one all the same. She wanted to see if the rumors she’d heard were true. Was there ungodly reading going on under her very roof? It all started so innocently, as much religiously motivated crimes usually do. With a friendly visit, being friendly to my mother and myself, and an innocent but deadly question. “Was it true I was a prodigy, and an excessive reader of rather adult novels and works of literature”?
Of course, since I was somewhat of a young innocent, especially concerning ulterior motives, and adult needs to control and and all, I answered innocently, yes, I was a reader, and loved it, to expand my thoughts, and absorb myself in fictions. And in my young pride I asked would she like to see my small collection of books I’ve read? Yes, I was innocent, and unaware of Evil. Oh I knew of its existence certainly throughout my reading, but in school I've only seen pettiness and cruelty, never true Evil,especially under the guise of goodness, which is its most insidious form, but I witnessed it that Sunday, in all its clothed righteousness.

Evil can hide, and use the excuse of devout beliefs and goodness, to shield its true nature. In fact, the very worst sorts of Evil in existence do this, cloak itself under the shield of so-called good deeds, and therefore free to do whatever it likes, under the guise of Godliness. Evil THRIVES under the label of goodness, always has, maybe always will, like a roach under a gleaming spotless kitchen counter. Looks gorgeous, and perfect, but darkness lives there, no matter how it appears. Always under the edge of the normal, and the mundane, evil exists, and multiplies, under our very watch.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
So innocently, and eagerly I showed her my small wooden bookshelf, with all my favorite scrounged books I acquired. My beloved works of fiction, and the sanctuary of my mind. The places I took refuge in to get away from the suffering of my existence. My sanctum, which I was understandably proud of. At that time and place I was no monster, not yet, and still quite innocent, and somewhat pure of the world's Evil. But after that day, I was less so. It was the beginnings of my descent into darkness, and the end of my empathy for others. That's where it began. MY mother was bad enough, with her depravities and vices, but at least she allowed me my meager refuges. Linda with all her strict “born again christian” beliefs and strictures, would not be so kind.

She started perusing my small collection, and I heard her mention the Devil. She suddenly had a small plastic garbage bag in her hand,which I now realize she’d had all along, but didn't notice. She started pulling my favored books, muttering stuff like “the Devils work”, left and right. In about 60 seconds, she had pulled my entire tiny library, every last book, and tossed them in her hateful white bag. All the while claiming she’d never have such Devil’s works under her roof. They all went in the bag, and my bookshelf was completely empty, for the first time. Of course,she was oblivious, in her confidence, and the believed righteousness of her deeds.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Of course, being our landlady, and weak willed as my mother was, she allowed this travesty of justice to occur. I protested while it happened, vehemently, but to no avail., I was but a kid, and not to be heeded. She tossed them all, with a christian gleeful smirk. Nothing I could do, and nothing my mother would do, simply allow this injustice to happen. My mother stood there,wringing her hands, but said At that point, I knew it was a fallacy. It was an illusion, as many good things are in this reality. and did absolutely nothing, even as Linda finished cleaning out my entire library, as well as all my childhood hopes, and faith in goodness and real justice, it didn't truly exist, and never has.

Yes, Ive known a small degree of darkness before then certainly, from all the insanity and deeds ive seen and done to this point. But that day, under the excuse of christian righteousness, I felt true Darkness bloom in my heart. The kind of darkness that stays with you, your whole life, and shapes your reality. When you see how things truly are, not how we want them to be. I knew hatred, and let it into my very being, against not just her, but all beings who used the title of religion to subdue others,,and subjugate the weak, folks like me, who had their innermost loves suppressed under the disguise of goodness. Religions, all religions, are a means of control, to manipulate morality and actions of free-thinking beings, as I will always see it forevermore.

That day, when my beloved books were tossed in the name of God, I learned to truly HATE, and to nurture Darkness, as my only true solace. However, I am not weak, and was pressed to my very extremes to reveal my full strengths, as I realize now. I turned out stronger then anyone ever knew, or wished for. I am stronger than the very foundations of the Earth, but had to be pushed to it, as I realize now. Humans will always disappoint me, as I learned that time, regardless of intentions. We are Evil beings, by our very natures. Humans love to use religion as a shelter, believing they can be forgiven somehow, but we are animals, and always will be, and in most cases, the Darkness will have its way, not always, but in most souls. This is what I believe, and in souls that believe they are the most righteous, I think they are the most damned, for they shall cause the most harm in this world.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Evil seems to thrive under the label of goodness, in these modern times, most of all. I wonder, where is God in all this, when what's supposed to be his good deeds gets labelled as Evil, and what used to be the blackest of Evils is accepted as “good” and normal? I wonder, if He’s truly out there somewhere, isn't it time to come down, and correct all this? Who knows? I certainly don't, but I have to proceed as if there's no loving God, smiling down, since I've never seen him, nor has he deigned to come down and shake my hand, and probably never will.

True Darkness and hate was born in my heart that day for anything that labelled itself christian. I learned the real meaning of Evil that time, not just mischief, or a bit of chaos, but the heart Of Hell itself, it made a home in my heart, due to christian ruthlessness, and I never forgot, to this day. My loved books were a sacrifice, which my mother allowed, but a dark lesson, well-learned, which I’ve never forgotten. A harsh lesson of my life. Even today I have no idea if my library was burned, but knowing her nature and tendencies as I do now, I have no doubts that at some point it probably happened in her backyard on a grill, just to make sure those “Devil's works” would never be read again. Im sure in her mind, a proper cleansing was in order, and fire cleanses, at least throughout human history, a persistent Evil, the cleansing effect of fire. I have zero doubt that many an innocent “witch” was burned in human history, in the name of Christianity, and believed to be cleansed by it, as were my books I took small solace in,which were now gone forever. They were missed by me, trust on this, my refuge at the time was taken from me, and although I was not yet a monster, I was on the road to Hell certainly,and would never forget this harsh lesson of this earthly existence.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Chapter 19: The Insidiousness of true Evil, and a childhood corrupted
So my mother's new husband, who was a sleazeball, which everyone could pretty much see except her, moved into our place. He was dumb, greasy, but sly as well, in a very evil way, which she either couldnt see, or wouldnt. In hindsight, I expect it was the latter. Her only concern was that she wasn't single at the time, and he became the “breadwinner” even though it was a very small amount of “bread”. Her problems, both financial and personal, became somehow his problems, and he was welcome to solve them in whatever way he saw fit, being that her house was now HIS house, with all that entailed.
He was sleazy,like a smooth but shady used car salesman,but my mother fell for him sadly. He was the epitome of low class, and exuded dark creepy vibes, to everyone except my mother. To her he became husband, provider, and he made the rules at this point. His house, his rule, and I became a mere passenger, in the house of human depravity, as it turned out.
 

Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
His word became law, even though he had the IQ of maybe a flatworm, or slightly above. Much of the time, at least.

Evil is not really that intelligent, but it is devious always, and selfish, that's its nature. In olden times, Evil was easier to root out, and discover, it was very obvious back then,and always had a long mustache to twirl and laugh, but it has learned its lesson over the centuries, and it thrives now, in these times,to its own glory. Evil is bold, and walks among us, unafraid. It was less so in the early 80s, but it rules the world in these times. Make no mistake, Evil rules this world, as sorry as I am to say, and I wish it wasn't so, but it is. Mankind applies what they consider the rule of law, but it rarely works, Evil thrives regardless, and maybe always will, as long as humans exist, until the end of their existence.
John Dunshie married my mother NOT just to become the part of an existing family, but because of ME! He was corrupted himself, either throughout his time in the navy, or through his own desires, and was very degenerate, and a bi-sexual, and a complete pervert, the ultimate in selfish desires, and Evil. He only married my mother in order to have access to me, and see if he could somehow pervert me, and have his way, by corrupting a young lost boy, and spread his Evil. He saw me as well as my mother at a bible meeting, under the guise of Christianity, and decided to court her, in the name of goodness, but it was ultimately Evil, to his twisted purposes, and which he ultimately achieved.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
He wheedled his way into my sorry home, and became the head of my sorry poverty stricken household. A bad idea in the entire history of bad ideas, that one my mother seemed completely oblivious to. Ultimately to my detriment, and a major contributor to my much darker destiny. An insidious Evil was coming, and very soon, unbeknownst to myself, and completely unknown to my mother, but she ended up caring little in the scheme of things.
His Evil was allowed in the end, and the darker parts of human nature ultimately won, as per usual, in this twisted reality, which i'm not really sure is actually what's really going on, but that's another discussion altogether, which we shall have, certainly, but not for now. He married her for some stability, but ultimately, because she had a young boy son, which he would find some way to take advantage of, eventually,which is exactly what occurred, in due time.
Being my mother's new husband, he was always there,except when he was at his minimum wage, dead end job at the restaurant. As the only maintenance guy, he was sorely needed, yet the least paid, as is the nature of greedy capitalism. Those who are needed the most to get things physically done are usually the lowest paid, and least appreciated. It is a form of Evil to me, and morally wrong, yet the basis for much or our American economy. Its a subtle darkness, but there all the same, like a splinter that you can never get out from under your skin.No matter how you try, always there.
 
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