Writing The Story of a philosopher/incel/wanderer

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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
In this case, his name was John Dunshie, and he was a lost soul certainly, misled, but evil lurked within, just under the surface. To my mother, he was tall,dark haired, slim, and charming. As I imagine the Devil himself to be, if he ever came up and introduced himself. I have no idea what he said to my mother, but somehow, he won her over, in a short period of time. As I mentioned, we always came to bible studies together, he not only noticed my mother, but me as well. We were not only a mother and son, but as it turned out, we were convenient, and a sort of prey to him. He beguiled her, charmed, and courted her, in the proper manners. Somehow he wheedled his way into her heart, to our detriment, and especially mine.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Yes, Evil takes the innocent, whenever it can, but sometimes, it takes the guilty as well, as was the case with John. He had mental issues, which became apparent later. I'm not sure he was ever innocent, except as a small boy, which I never knew him as. I met him as a man, corrupt, evil, sick, but cloaked in charm, as far as my mother was concerned. When I first met him, to me, a young master of psychology, at least of my mother, there seemed something slightly off about him. Like meeting a crocodile in human skin, nothing I could put my finger on, but never normal, with a scent of creepiness. Like a human perfectly made, but with slime just under the surface. He seemed wrong somehow. That's all I knew, and I told her, but as always, she rarely listened when it came to her own choices. Even shaking his hand, it seemed slimy, like a slugs embrace, kinda warm, sweaty, and altogether too personal for my liking.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
I saw it, and I suspect others noticed it as well. Something off about him. He rode a bicycle, didn't drive, was utterly poor, and worked maintenance at a renowned high class Buffalo restaurant, known as `the Royal Pheasant”. They were well known for high prices, quality steaks and lobsters. They were pricey, and depended upon him much, but paid him minimal wages. There was a rooming house directly above the restaurant, which he stayed in, for years, for what I know. I have no idea if his rent was free, or at a discount, but since he was there for so long, he must have found it quite agreeable, since he was there for so long. From what I learned later, he was in the navy for years, maybe right before he started working there.
At the time, there was another individual that I met at those meetings. He was actually dating Patricia at the time, and may have been partly responsible for introducing my mother and John. His name was Christian, and was the opposite of John in almost every way. He had blonde hair, very good looks, real genuine charm, a great hearty laugh, and exuded goodness, or at least the very essence of it.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Christian seemed like a good being,with scruples, morals,and wore his heart and feelings on his sleeve. He was not perfect, not by a long shot, but he was real. He said what he meant, and meant what he said. I know he used to live at the same location for a while, but he may have moved in with patricia by that time. They had a baby, a little girl, and as close to an angel of earth I can imagine. Her name was Amber, and she almost had a halo. I didn't meet her until later, and by that time, they had another daughter, named Elaine, but more on them later I assure you.
So my mother started seeing John Dunshie often, and as it turned out, John was her favorite name. My father was named John Duran,and her first husband. He was 100 percent spanish, and quite talented in his own way. I was informed he was an artist, with a pencil mainly, and met my mother in Denver, Colorado, long ago. From stories I was told from relatives, he was so talented, he once made a hand-drawn picture of Christ on the cross, that sold for 200 dollars, strictly using just a pencil, he was that good. Also, we shared another trait, he despised the idea of taxes, any and all,. In fact, if he had to pay taxes, he turned down jobs, period. They were anathema to his nature, as they have been to mine. Maybe some knowledge or biases are passed genetically? I'd love to see a fully scientific study on the subject someday.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
So eventually, over my personal protests, he proposed to my mother, and she happily accepted. Upon that acceptance, a darkness bloomed over my destiny, for then, and forever. For her, it was supposedly what she’d been waiting for, her idea of love, and acceptance, and happiness maybe. For me, it was just another sad chapter in the personal Hell of my very existence.

Not only was I to be an outcast, misfit, and never accepted by normal kids, but a future sorry young victim as well. My dark destiny was already sealed by her blissfully ignorant acceptance. It was a done deal, little known to my younger self then. I thought I was already corrupt by that time, through my deft handling of all the school issues, and my masterful dominance of my mother, but the honest truth is, I was still an innocent, still pretty much uncorrupted, to the degeneracy that waited for me in the world, and which came to my very home, and settled there.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
CHAPTER 13: A School Tale of Spitefulness
Before I get to the monstrousness that certain stepfathers can be, and particularly John Dunshie, and my mother’s later selfish cooperation with him, i'd like to relate another tale of the time period. I think it deserves preservation for future readers. I've already related how Joseph and I were total outcasts, throughout our school years, and Richard as well, although I was considered the worst one, due to my lack of any and all charms at the time. Richard had an almost “preppie” quality to him, which made him more accepted,and Joseph had at least some charm, and much more than me, so even he was considered better than me, sadly.

So even among outcasts, I was the bottom of the barrel, even though I believe I was by far the most talented of us. Alas, talent doesn't go that far in our reality without the charisma or charm or looks to back it up. I was always doomed from the start. Joseph was as well, but he still had far more potential socially, and to this day I still think he could have done very well on Earth, but he didnt finally. But out of our little brotherhood of pariahs, I was at the very bottom.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Back then computers in public schools were not common, they were rare. It was the very early 80s, and tandy computers, and commodore 64’s were generally the ones available. I believe we were either in 5th or 6th grade, I cannot be sure. At that age, girls were finally getting cute and appealing to us, yet forever beyond our reach, or abilities, and things were changing for all of us a bit, We started having foreign urges that were as yet new to us, and personally since I had no charm, they would be forever beyond me, but I didn't know that back then.
So in my school there was an official computer room, with about 5 of the original commodore computers. Of course access was severely limited to the teachers favorite students, there were a few. Back then, they were teaching the “C” language, which was all greek to me and Joseph(and Richard as well), and the instructor was notorious for only helping his favorite students, usually seated at the front of the classroom of course.

Joseph and I were always at the very back, where the teacher didn't have to deal with us as much I suppose. We were like an ignored problem, best forgotten. For some reason, due to his almost preppie nature,Richard got to sit mid-class, even though he was a screw up as well. The teachers pets always had access to the few computers available, and outcasts like us could only take notes, and watch, nothing else.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
In fact, to my memory, not even once were any of us even allowed to touch the keyboard, not ever. That was only for the favored, and the elite kids, the ones that were valued by the teacher, never us. They got full access, not during entire class time, but they were the only ones ever allowed to touch the keyboards. In fact, to my memory, not even once were any of us even allowed to touch the keyboard,never.
That was only for the favored, the elite kids, the ones that were most valued by the teacher, never us. Not that they were smarter(they certainly were NOT) but they had regular freedom to program, and therefore practical experience, like the priests of an elite religion, none had access to the shrines but them, as decreed by the very Gods themselves. They were the holy, and most favored, and of course, logically, their grades followed the same pattern. Always A’s, or even A plus. So they were considered the creme of the crop, only by favoritism. Now that I think about it, I remember something else odd about that top group, they all were white, and had light blonde hair. Perhaps it's just a weird coincidence, but it happens to be true. Every last member of the favored students, with full access to the few computers, and high grades, were all blondes. I find it interesting, especially since my hair was always as dark as a dead forest, and remains so today, and I was never among any favored group in all of America. Just a strange occurrence that's all.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Our resentment grew daily, Joseph’s and my own. We were considered the least important, and the least favored, and shunned in favor of these blonde young achievers. We could watch, take notes, but never actually participate, and learn the skills necessary. We were stunted by design. It certainly was never right nor fair. The pets got to learn, and apply, and we merely watched their progress, nothing else. It was wrong, as much of this world is, and we eventually decided to bring a bit of equality to the equation. I will say this, many beings who are against revenge have never actually had it in the first place. Yes, it's more than satisfying, it's the essence of living itself in some cases.
To see your enemies or rivals complete disappointment and sadness when their plans fail, as evil as it sounds, it satiates, and completes me whenever it happens. I've never claimed to be the “good” guy, only the one who has suffered greatly, and has learned to adapt, and take my personal satisfaction wherever I can find it in life, as I do. So yes, revenge can be pleasurable, for those of us deprived of most normal pleasures. Maybe even the highest pleasure I've ever squeezed out of my miserable existence.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
One day Joseph and I agreed we would take our revenge, hopefully never to be discovered for what it was. There was a demonstration coming up with a high school official, it was announced a few weeks in advance(by design I have no doubt). There were only a few computers in the dedicated room, as i've mentioned.
All of the teachers favored students were each working on special programs of their own, but time was limited. Some of these programs were worked on weeks in advance, on their free time usually. Back then, room cameras were a lot scarcer, and a well-planned campaign of destruction was far easier to get away with. We didn't learn a lot, since we never got properly taught,like the favored students, at least Joseph and I, but we learned some things too well on our own. The ability to complete wipe all lines of code for example, and quickly. We certainly knew how to do that, via simple commands, and since the computers were labeled hands off, it was assumed they would stay that way until they were needed.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
The very day before the scheduled tour and demonstration, we both got a restroom pass within a few minutes of each other, and headed to the forbidden but thankfully unguarded computer sanctum. We each took a few computers, and our evil labors were done within but a few satisfying minutes. Every line of code that was painstakingly written over a number of weeks was brutally erased from existence, gone forever, to the sadness of the class favored, and our own satisfaction.

The next day, the officials showed up, and in front of the entire class, teacher, and higher school officials, absolutely nothing happened when the appropriate favored kids tried entering commands to start their respective programs. The screens stood still and blank, to both Joseph and my personal satisfaction. I remember one such kid even starting to break down in tears, futilely entering commands that went totally unheeded. He broke down, while the dark green screen stared back at him mockingly, and empty.
Of course, after the officials left disappointed, it was assumed sabotage, but nothing could be proven. Joseph, Richard and I smirked, but kept fairly straight faces throughout the day. Richard was privy to our plan, but never said a word. I believe our teacher suspected us, but with zero real evidence, could take no action, and could not even point a finger. With the dismay and sadness of our rivals, we took complete satisfaction from this, and later on, had a good satisfying brotherly laugh on the bus home. We may have been outcasts,from both the school system, and our so-called “peers”, but we had our day of retribution, and it was good, and fair to us. We certainly enjoyed it, and talked about it for years afterwards.
Sometimes there is justice in the Universe, but often you have to do it yourself, to be the “Hand of God” in a way, an instrument of the balance of all things, as I have been many times, as I was also that time in school. There are many pleasures in life, but revenge, and proper payback, from the underprivileged, to the overprivileged, is maybe the most satisfying in existence. At least in my experience.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Chapter 14: Failures in Juggling, and a Big Fall
As mentioned earlier, my mother met a man at a bible study, a seemingly innocent place, full of folks looking for answers in a very old book, a God to lead them, maybe personal redemption, some real meaning in their existences, or even love,maybe the same thing as all of the above in some cases.

My mother was there often, looking for any and all of those things. I'm not sure today if she was purposefully evil, or merely very selfish. She certainly had some good moments, but few and far between sadly. Pretty much her whole life was about her, no matter the family members that were usually hurt. Her parents, her sisters, and myself usually bore the brunt of her selfishness, and she never cared one iota.
When I got punished, it was harsh, and overkill, even for honest mistakes or accidents. Example,as a kid, for some strange reason I developed a keen interest in juggling. I found it fascinating, the coordination and timing needed to perform an almost magical moving show in the air. To me, it was an amazing ability, and wonderful, since I was one of the most clumsy beings in America, at least at this point. I had never ridden a bicycle, not once, never tried skateboards, couldn't roller-skate, and dropped almost everything in existence. I dont think it's even possible for boys to be clumsier than I was then. If it was fragile, don't put it in my hands. If it required balance, I would fall, it's as simple as that. So for me, jugglers represented the ultimate in elegance, balance, and skill, exactly the opposite of me. I was beyond interested, I was enthralled. I determined if nothing else, I would teach myself this skill,whatever the cost, and consequences be damned!
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
I would watch them carefully on our old black and white tv, and sometimes downtown I would see them perform in person. I was always amazed, but learning as well. The motions, the movements, rhythms, and coordination. I was mesmerized, but observing. One time, I asked one in person how I would go about starting? What were the first steps? He informed me this could be learned, with the appropriate dedication of course, and baby steps, as with many talents in life.
He mentioned to start with one ball, then two, as time went on. Start with balls,learn the objects,their feel, the timing of their flight, the arc’s of their descent, and go from there. So I went home, inspired, and sadly failed in a major way for my first attempt.

I searched our whole house for tennis balls, golf balls, or something akin to them to practice with. Hell even balls of yarn would have sufficed at the time. Alas, we had nothing even close to this. I didn't play with balls of any type usually, and my mother had nothing appropriate either. I gave up, and decided I couldn't do this with salt shakers and such. I remember opening the fridge looking for a snack, I was kinda peckish. Then I saw the eggs on a shelf. They weren't perfectly round of course, but they were almost round, and small. So a very bad idea among the history of bad ideas entered my young but eager mind.
Why not eggs? They seemed close to what I was looking for. Small, manageable, cheap, and seemingly abundant.

What's the worst that could happen right? My bedroom had a rug, which made it undo able, just in case,but the kitchen floor was linoleum, cheap, smooth, and very moppable. Seemed like a good idea at the time. My mother wasn't home then, and probably wouldn't be for awhile, so what better time than now to practice a future useful skill hmm?
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
So at first I got out one small egg, and shuffling it back and forth in the air from hand to hand, was fairly successful. I had the arc right, slow and steady, right to left, I had the timing down. Then after 15 minutes of this I decided to upgrade, another egg was added to the mix. Right to left, left to right, and overlapping arcs was the key, kinda like creating a McDonalds M, in the air. No problemo right? I kept doing it, getting the timing correct for now, back and forth, with my fragile objects. Seemed easy enough, at first. The eggs flew in front of my eyes, steady, not too fast, and simple. So, I decided I would try a third, confident in my ability to handle two, maybe I could somehow do three carefully and slowly. I was eager to try, and sure I could somehow manage it. It was my final mistake.
Turns out I knew the arcs of two objects, but adding a third was an altogether different animal. I started throwing the first two eggs, and as soon as I added a third one, I lost all knowledge of what to actually do with it, and lost control, one after the other. I saved one egg, but the other two splattered on the yellow linoleum floor, to messy effect. I placed the saved egg back in the fridge, and looked at the mess that was on the floor. I knew my mother might be home any minute, so I collected every shard of eggshell. We didn't have paper towels in the house, but I noticed the linoleum was very shiny under the liquid of the egg. So I reasoned, why not spread the glory?
I mopped the two eggs over the whole kitchen floor, it looked very shiny and magnificent. The floor reflected the light in a way it had never done before. No water, just egg, spread thinly and beautifully. A true thing of beauty. Of course I mopped carefully, since I didn't want to blemish my work with something so crude as a footprint, that would have been pointless. I wanted the kitchen floor to shine, and it did. Until my mother finally came up the stairs. We were living in an apartment on Sherwood street at the time, on the west side, as per normal. She came up the stairs, opened the front door, on the carpeted living room, put down her cart, and the first thing she noticed was the shine of the kitchen floor or course.
I heard her sigh of pleasure, and her compliment said aloud “oh Johnny, you mopped the floor, it looks Beautiful”. That's the first thing I heard. Then I watched her take one step unto the shiny floor, then her massive leg slid all the way forward, and she hit the ground like an earthquake, As long as ive known my mother she was never a small or petite women, she was almost massive, so when she fell, the entire house shook in protest. One would think that a moon hit the very Earth, and the End was here!
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
She fell hard, the house shook, and all Hell broke loose to my world. I heard my name screamed, louder than I ever heard it. She struggled, got halfway up, and fell again. The floor was slipperier than any ice rink ever designed, slicker than oil, but a shining example of how nice a floor can look. She ended up crawling out of the kitchen to the relative stability of the living room rug, and finally struggled to her feet, huffing, puffing, and saying my name the whole time. I knew I was doomed, fully. There would be full painful payment due for this,I had no illusions about this.

It was an honest mistake, and I tried to correct it in my own fashion, but a futile gesture at best. It mattered not, the damage was done, and I would pay in spades, as I did. I confessed to what had happened, and she listened in motion only. As with many things, she never really heard me, because she never wanted to. At her heart, she was a selfish petty being, and only she and her own comfort mattered. I was merely a burden, and not important, as always. First, after a yelling bout, she spread water and soap on the floor, cleaned up my well-intentioned mess, then grabbed an extension cord, and beat me into submission. Death would have been less painful then what I went through, and hopefully a lot quicker. She beat me badly, but she also seemed to enjoy it. Looking back, I believe it was part of her nature, whenever she inflicted pain on other beings, whether physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental, she seemed to relish it, like it was something she needed, to give herself some kind of meaning perhaps.
To emphasize her own very being, she lived, she existed, if only through the testament of others, mainly through the suffering she inflicted. As I can and will attest to, to this very day.
I paid that time, and at other times as well. Either through extension cords, pieces of wood, knives, hard slaps, or even a baseball bat on an occasion or two, even an attempted murder once. She suffered in her life from poverty and bad choices, but she didn't suffer alone, her only son joined her on this journey for a long time. I existed, but not happily, never happily.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Chapter 15: Evil Among us,and Innocence lost
So living on 14th street, above a strict born again christian family. The head of the household was named Linda, and she wore the pants of the family, with a quiet subdued husband named Melvin. Nice guy from my early impressions, but his personality was completely subjugated by his wife. She ran the house, made the decisions, and her rule was law. She was dominating, but perhaps she had to be. They had 5 girls and 2 boys. A large family, raucous, wild, and a bit of complete chaos on 14th street.
Since i was an only child, and never knew what it would be like to have brothers or sisters, and to share(except for Joseph, more on him later) I could only watch. The older boy was named Mark, and I witnessed how miserable he usually was. He shared a bedroom with his younger brother, but was never free from his many sisters. If he had something,he either kept it completely secret, or was forced to invariably share it with them all. A candy bar, a toy, whatever he had, he could never enjoy it alone,unless he left the house, or visited me.
I was never really a friend, but an acquaintance, and not a christian, so would never snitch, or tell anyone, to be honest, I didn't give a crap. Was nice to have an associate to talk to at home, since visits from Joseph didn’t occur much, and I could see how miserable he was, dealing with his strict mother, and 5 tattletale sisters, whom loved telling everything to Linda, no matter how small. His sisters made life absolutely miserable for him, and he visited just for a temporary escape from their many eyes.
As much as I despised my mother, I was always grateful that I was the only one, thanks to observing Mark, and his misery.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
So I was short on friends, and even associates at that time. I knew Joseph and Carol of course, and sometimes visited, and Mark as well, but those were rare occasions. The vast majority of the hours it was just my mother and myself, and we couldn't stand each other. We were like two opposite poles of magnets in a confined space, we were both there, but repelled each other, like a force of nature. Avoiding contact as much as we could. Occupying the same spaces, but revolving around each other to get a maximum range away from each other at all times. I was her only son, and she tolerated me, but she really didn't want to look at me, and I felt the same way, after many years of abuse. I knew technically she was head of our household, and in charge, but I became a subtle quiet influence, in some instances. not all. Like the whisperer in the darkness, manipulating for unknown purpose, but quietly. Monstrous, certainly, but necessary for my very survival. I was a manipulator, with limits. Some things ended up going my way, but the truly important things, the ones that really mattered in the great scheme of things never did,to my personal sorrow.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
My mother and John Dunshie started spending time together. Dinner, drinks, some limited outings I suppose, and altogether too many times at my house to my liking. From the very first time I met him, I got an evil impression. Like a scaly creature wearing human skin. Something always slightly off about him. He was poor, worked maintenance at the Royal Pheasant restaurant,doing all the crappiest dirty jobs they could give him, for minimum wage of course. He dressed dirty, greased his black hair, and rode a bicycle only, never drove. From what I gathered he also had a serious problem with his feet, and had to wear special types of boots to walk, greatly resembling the horrendous boots famous on Frankenstein's monster. Ridiculously stumbling around constantly like a bull in a glass shop, except at least bulls have some class and form, He did not!
Of course, my mother was probably desperate, and would settle for whomever she could, considering she was no prize herself, and getting older. She was very heavy, as i've previously mentioned, and was no beauty. Best way to describe her was very plain, with plenty of girth to spare.
To be brutally honest, she was neither graceful, elegant, nor friendly or intelligent to talk to, stubborn,or pleasant to look at. So her choices of available husbands was quite limited. She was my mother, and among all beings, I sadly knew her best of all, but I wish I didn't
 

Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
Chapter 16: A marriage made in Hell, and Odd Friendships

As much as I was against it, she couldn't be persuaded or influenced against him. He was neither smart, charming, not handsome, yet her situation was such that she needed him around somehow, and nothing I could do about it.
He courted, in his way, and from her own loneliness and desperation, she was ripe for what he wanted, with his hidden insidious agenda. He was in his 40’s, single, but with hidden degenerate needs, with which my mother and me, was his opportunity, which was how he saw us ultimately.
Not as family, but as vulnerable prey.
Others also noticed something “off” about John Dunshie. Sometimes they would comment, but often not. There were things about him that were not quite “right”, and were visible to others, not just myself. My grandparents met him for the first time, and my grandfather refused to shake his hand, never said why.
At this point, I suspect he was unstoppable. None of us could put our finger on what was off about him, but we knew there was something. Indefinable, but there all the same. Dumb, but conniving at the same time, like a crocodile lurking in the dark muddy waters, waiting for the right moment to strike.
At the same time, after meeting patricia and her man Christian, for some odd reason, they decided I needed friends, or at least positive influences in my life, and somewhat decided to take me under their wing, with christian friendship. Which I welcomed, it was very different from what I was used to. Many folks preferred to avoid me, but they seemed to want me around. They had a baby daughter, Amber, and another one on the way, but they were interesting company. I was never a fan of christianity, regardless of what churches I was forced into as a kid.
 
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Lordgoro

Crazy as charged
They seemed good folks. Somewhat attentive, kind, and interesting, which for me, being the complex kid that I was, came in handy, to keep my attention. They had an upper big apartment on West ave, on the west side of course, Strange, in my life so many small but weird coincidences would happen, on an almost daily basis. Little things, coming together, almost like my life was part of some incomprehensible Grand Plan, certain things falling into perfect place, almost all the time. Neither of them was particularly intellectual, but they had their own gifts, as do many good people. Patricia was full blooded Italian, with a temper to match, and a great cook, and had a true gift for empathy, but a limited amount of patience. Christian was a working man, handsome, blonde haired, with a quick infectious laugh, and a great sense of humor. Almost a borderline intellectual, even though he was a manual laborer, working in a factory that produced polyurethane products. He was skilled, in an almost engineer fashion, he was no dummy. He was at his heart a designer, and a thinker. I respected him for that. He played chess, which helped my opinion of him. I was playing chess since my earliest ages, cant claim to be an expert, but I enjoyed the challenge, it is a game of kings after all.
I ended up spending some time with them, enjoying their company, and giving my mother a rest from my presence I suppose, and getting away from her courtier, which was not a bad thing at the time, The less I was around John Dunshie the better.
 
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