Writing The Story of a philosopher/incel/wanderer

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Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
So I carefully drew my pole back, and tried to smoothly but quickly throw it forward, in the same manner as I just witnessed. I certainly tried to reproduce his performance, but I felt a sudden thrust upward and forward in the back of my pants! I was halfway thrown towards the railing, and the fast moving Niagara river before me. It was a strong push, as strong as my own efforts, and of course, it turned out it was my effort that caused this.

When I drew my line back behind me, the hook caught in my waist, and thrust me forward, when I made my strong forward throw. Christian caught me by the shoulder as I hit the railing, and pointed out that I had caught only MYSELF! Just like a fish I suppose. He helped me unhook the hook, and logically, the worm was nowhere to be seen. He had escaped, good for him. I was a completely failed fisherman, lost three worms already, and my hook never even hit the water. The story of my life, a reoccurring theme, naturally.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
Turns out I was the one hooked, but luckily Christian noticed and helped me get off the hook, Naturally we looked, but the third worm was also long gone, and nowhere in sight. Good for him I suppose. Yet a third worm escaped to life and freedom. Chalk up yet another victory for lower life forms. In my ineptness, I must have been a literal Godsend for the worms in the bait box, so far three of them wriggled to safety. I was glad for them, yet sad for myself. It seemed like fishing was not in my blood. Not something I was naturally gifted at,not at all. If I was a fishing boat Captain, my vessel would have sunk long ago, and deservedly so.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
So I got unhooked with his help, and reached yet for another doomed worm, fourth time I HAD to catch a fish right? That was my mentality at the time. This time I slowly reached back, watching that my hook wouldn't catch on anything, including myself,and I slowly but certainly cast my line out into the far brown water of the river. I successfully sent my line out, and it drifted. As of yet, Christian had no bites, and mainly watched me attend my line. After a while he told me to reel mine in slowly, and maybe id get a bite. I did of course, slowly and surely, and reeled it in all the way, and no luck, as did he next to me.
 
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Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
So he proposed we both cast yet again, and far if possible, and maybe we’d have a bit of luck. Turns out I had some strange luck certainly, but not what either one of us expected. We both cast our lines, and mine went quite far.. I slowly started reeling in, and immediately felt a pull, and fairly strong. However, I was not an active pull, and no resisting, simply a pull of weight. I excitedly told Christian of this, and he advised me to slowly reel in what I had, and see where this led. He still had no nibbles whatsoever, and watched intently as I reeled in my line. It seemed to drag on the bottom, and I had to move my pole around a lot, as it seemed to get wedged around various debris at the bottom of the river, but even so, I slowly pulled it in, fully expecting either an old boot, or a piece of trash, but no fish, since there was no opposing movements.

To my and Christians surprise, when I finally got it above the water, it turned out to be a very NICE open reel fishing pole! Bright green, and quite expensive, from what I was told. So I never actually caught a fish, that day of any other day, but I caught my own fishing pole using a borrowed pole. Such is the stuff of legends, but it happened to me that day. Christian caught no fish,sadly, but I was not unhappy, my catch was pretty good. Such are the whims of this quirky Universe, that laughs quite often at my antics, and adds a few unique twists here and there. By now I'm almost used to it. We walked home, back to West ave, no fish, but a nice catch, regardless.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
CHAPTER 25: Have a Beer Boy, and meeting my Biggest Mistake
Life with a christian couple with two very young girls, interesting to say the least. I was the invader, the interloper,the fifth wheel(literally), however, they did their best to include me(especially in the chores like dishes, which became exclusively my personal purgatory), so credit to them at least for trying. However, I was willful, and stubbornness ran in my blood, and probably always will.

I had my own mind, my own beliefs, and even back then, I resented religion in all forms, I saw it as a con, even at that young age. Bible studies and all church services if not actually Hell on Earth, was still pretty close for me. If there was a God, he wasn't kind, nor merciful, to allow such a horrible molesting event to happen to fairly innocent boys and girls, if He was all Powerful and Good. Religion was a scam to me, and always will be, to this day. However, my friends were “born again” Christians, and so I tolerated what I must, believing nothing, except in myself, and what my eyes saw.

 
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Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
I smiled, and did what I had to in order to merely get by. I suspect I have some diplomacy in my plethora of past lives somewhere. I must have to tolerate what I have in my long life without the soothing condition of madness. The truly insane must have such a relief, to put aside the pain of living, for another reality, even if it doesn't exist, it still exists for them, which must be a kindness I suspect.
In my time with them,I ended up meeting a lot of other folks. Patricia's mother, her brother, and other family members and long time associates.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
So it's worth noting, my experiences with the female gender was colored pretty negatively. I was used to females yelling at me a lot, my mother of course, girls at school, doing nothing but mocking at me, and sneering, and laughing of course. They laughed at Joseph as well, but somehow he overcame all that, I never did. It clouded my opinions of females, for all time. Patricia yelled at me as well, however, since I usually gave her reasons, like the river of milk incident, I can understand why. I know I was never easy to live with, back then, and today as well. I have a strong presence, and make myself known by my very nature. Meekness was never something I had to deal with, I speak up for myself, as much as American society doesn't want me to.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
Back then, I found some females very cute physically, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. Pretty much all my experience with the opposite gender was based on cruelty, usually towards myself. The life of a misfit and outcast I suppose.
Sometimes I would be drawn to them, their voices, their hair, their softness, their mannerisms, but I didn't know why. I had a libido, maturing, but I wasn't aware of exactly what it even was back then. Girls were certainly never interested or drawn to me, for any reason, strange that I should be drawn to them, for all my belittlement I put up with from them. It would be only natural that I should hate them, in every way, from my treatment.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
The laughing, the hate, and the embarrassment, I was always just being myself, but I only got derision from girls, back then, and even now. Very little has changed from that period.
At a certain point, I met a female relative of Patricia, lets call her Cee. Through some random occurrence, I met her at our place. She was a few years older(of course), related by blood to Patricia, maybe a cousin, and amazingly alluring to me. Granted, I was very young, quite naive, and still very innocent, but not completely jaded, even though I should have been, considering my treatment from ALL females of younger ages.
She was tall, slightly taller than me, long black hair, very alluring dark eyes, slender, and fully 100 percent italian, I was drawn to her, as a vampire to a beautiful innocent. I really could never exactly say why, but it was like the essence of life itself. Her beauty, her voice, her very ways, drew my utter attention. Like a lover of gold to the vaults of Fort Knox. Like something I needed somehow, but I haven't a clue as to WHY I needed her, I just did. Everything else paled in comparison to her presence.
 
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Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
Of course I could never mention this to any soul, it was a private matter, something to be fondled closely, and guarded, secret, and most probably forbidden, as the best things in life usually are sadly. It's the secret desires that are the most hated by others, and yet the most potent, usually. The ones that line our highest dreams, and usually frowned upon by others, and the most decadent. Those are the kind of desires that damn us, and make us worthy of Hell itself, yet they are our deepest selves. As my desire for Cee was. Secret, most certainly forbidden, but the most desired thing in my mind. She didn't visit often, but had my full attention whenever she did. Of course, I didn't really exist for her, I was just the weird strange boy living with her cousin, and not worthy of her real attention. Looking back, I really wish I could have ignored her, but it was never in the cards.

My life's tragic path was already laid out, my timeline was set in place, due to chemistry, desire, cruel fate, or mental illness, take your pick, they were all part of what eventually occurred, my fate was sealed for a long time before it ever really happened, I just didn't know it yet.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
At that point, I had no real experience with alcohol, except I remember my mother having past boyfriends, and pretty much all of them were alcoholics of varying degrees.
There was one gentleman, a man from Georgia, his name was Clyde, and had a grown son named Ronnie. He had a long association with my mother, long before she met John Dunshie. Clyde was a full time drinker, and came with a temper. He spoke with a very distinctive southern accent. I doubt if anyone ever mistook him for a New Yorker. I have memories of lots of arguments, and even some physical confrontations between them. She was always a borderline psychotic, and from my experience, had no issues with physical violence, and she took out her anger on me many times in the past.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
She wasn't one to hold anything back, verbally or physically. There was one time that Clyde and her(and his son Ronnie, in his early 20s probably) got into a serious altercation. Both Clyde, his son and my mother were alcoholics, and this time, the confrontation was physical as well.
They were merely arguing, and she was very pissed about something, and somehow she got a hold of their only money, an actual 100 dollar bill, which in today's economy, would be close to 1000 dollars. She grabbed it, and using almost inhuman madness level speed, ripped it into at least 20 tiny pieces before they could stop her, which they did of course, but not before she scattered all the pieces across the entire kitchen in a gleeful rage.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
So they did the only thing possible, after she left the kitchen, drunk and happy. They carefully gathered every tiny piece, slowly and carefully, placed them all on the kitchen table, found some scotch clear tape, and meticulously taped it all together. Quite amazing since they were both halfway drunk, and it took the entire night, but this was their liquor money and therefore, had to be done, whatever it took, and however long it took as well. So two drunk guys,one in his late 50s, and one in his early 20s, amazingly put humpty dumpty back together again, for 100 dollars of liquor, of course they would, no doubt about it.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
By God, by dawn it was done, they had gathered every scrap, and taped it together perfectly, to my mother's dismay. The next day Clyde went to a local bank and traded it in, and of course, since it was whole, and merely taped, but the serial numbers were quite readable, it was taken by the bank, and exchanged for a crisp new bill. Which was promptly taken to the local liquor store, and spent on whatever the favorite drink of choice was. Might have been Wild Irish Rose, I remember seeing plenty of empty bottles laying around back then.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
Alcoholics have but one necessity, and one top priority for their money, more alcohol of course. I hated alcoholics, and any addicts, but who could truly blame them. This world is literal Hell for many, and any escape is preferable to Hell itself. Despicable as it is, don't blame the addicts, blame our world. Who wouldn't want to escape, in any way they can? I never accepted those kinds of vices, but I cannot judge, and I understand. Our world is cruel, but we made it that way, by the way we treat each other, it didn't have to be this way at all, but it is. Cruelty is ours, mankind's responsibility, and fault, and we created this place. The land itself was always here, but we shaped it, and populated it, and made it a living Hell for many others like myself. How is escaping really a bad thing, except by being temporary only, as is life itself?
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
Eventually, Clyde moved on, and knowing my mother as I did, I would have moved on as well. She was almost demonic sometimes, and gleefully evil and selfish. There were times she reveled in her negative nature, and I wish I wasn't there to witness, but I was.
Living with this couple, who were trying to do the right thing, and help a lost boy that was a stranger to them, yet they tried. I never experienced love before, but I knew hate quite well, also what tolerance was. I guess at that young age, I tolerated both Patricia and her husband, as well as their daughters, but being around Cee was my first and only experience with actual “love”, although unrequited.

Eventually, she would be my Doom, although the rest of my history probably didn't help. I was very obsessed, although I couldn't tell you why. Maybe it was merely chemical, just the brain being altered by unknown ingredients. Perhaps it was psychic, perhaps it was something still indefinable by human science?
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
Did I choose to be this way? Lord no, I would have made a different choice if I could. Sometimes, quite often, love is the worst misery we can be subjected to, especially if it's only one way. Sometimes, death is better, compared to certain miseries. Unrequited love is one of those true miseries. Where she doesn't know your name, yet your very next breath depends on being next to her. That's the only way I can describe the feeling. Nothing even comes close in life. Love that's not reciprocated, can be life or death, at least it felt that way. It could either be the End of all things, of the beginning of all Joy. In my case, it was the end, since she never gave a ѕhit that I even existed.
It would have been far better if we had never met, and maybe my timeline would have been a good thing, instead of the living Hell on Earth that I ended up experiencing, as will become apparent.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
The couple I was living with were Good folks, and they certainly tried to adhere to their principles, but they were both human, and therefore flawed.
No humans are perfect, and perhaps we are completely incapable of such a state. We are all imperfect beings certainly,but some try to be as Good as possible.


Back then, they mainly adhered to christian principles, however, on occasion, Christian still drank alcohol from time to time, and was a past smoker of pot, as I eventually discovered. He tried to be a good husband, and father, but he had his own personal issues, as do we all. I think it was an evening when Patricia and I had a particularly nasty argument, and Christian, being a born diplomat that he was, decided some space was needed for peace. He said “let's take a walk johnny”, and I gladly did just to avoid the stress. It was a bad argument I suppose.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
He was never a father figure, but I looked up to him nonetheless, he was all that was Good with the world. Strong, powerful, smart, handsome, and kind. I thought the world of him, he was everything I wanted to be at the time, although my path was different, and far darker, I still hoped.

So we walked for a bit, it was after dark, and we stopped at a local convenience store, and he purchased a six-pack of beer, Genesee I think. When I asked what that was for, his only reply was “We’re gonna make a man outta you johnny”. I didn't have a clue what he was referring to, but I followed nonetheless. As I said, I looked up to him, but he was human, and imperfect. We walked to a local small west side park, and he sat on the grass and put his back to a tree, we were the only ones there at the time. It was dark, and streetlights were the only illumination, maybe 100 feet away.
 

Lordgoro

IN THE ZONE
I heard crickets, and loved the sound,as I always have, then I heard a very loud pop sound, followed by a whoosh of liquid. Christian had just popped open the first can, and gestured for me to take it. I obliged, the side was wet, and it was a tall can, definitely not 12 ounces, it felt bulky and awkward in my hand. He popped another, and wanted to clink them together in a toast, to his wife, and peaceful living, his words. He took a long drink, and gestured to me to do the same.
I did, and took a swig, and almost spit out of revulsion. I've also been kinda particular about my tastes, some things I really love(lasagna done RIGHT, steak and cheese subs ny style) and some things literally make me shudder in horror(vegetables, centipedes, daddy long leg spiders), and beer fits in about 60 percent in the negative as far as my tastes. I swallowed, and didn't like it, but there are worse things to swallow in this world certainly.
 
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