The other day I was thinking: "Maybe girls would be attracted to me if I thought positive, worked out and was just healthier looking (meaning I would probably stop chronically masturbating and look like I don't smoke crack.)" So, I made a vow to myself to start positively thinking, but then today I just shat on myself over a negative conversation that happened months prior. My ability to positively think is limited, and I constantly feel in a loop of severe self-loathing just out of severe shame, and the apparent lack of affirmation. I wonder how one could rewire his brain, so he doesn't wake up every morning to feel like he's trapped to his mundane activities, his guilt, and his body. I wonder how one could understand others, and not feel like a weirdo. Why do I feel constant shame and no joy? I feel like lying down and rotting. Watching the world thrive without me. My self-hatred grows a little more every day with my experiences, confusion, and how I witness this world. I wish I was born differently, so I wouldn't feel constantly impartial, self-aware, or constantly unable to make social connections. How do I achieve this?