feeling like I've permanently lost my mind. Just trying find a way to be financially stable in the future.

NoHopeNoFear

Tathāgata
So I experienced complete ego death a while ago and my mind is essentially completely silent. My experience of reality is essentially reduced to my senses and perceptions without any active cognitive processes taking place as well as the absence of an inner dialogue. My perception of time is also pretty fucked as there isn't' really an experience of past, present or time passing.
While "I" to the extent that can be said at all anymore, recognise that I will persist in this existence there is no conceptualised view of having a future for me. In many ways, being a retarded bluepiller stuck in the bowels of some shit relationship is actually preferable to my conceptualised worldview crashing before my eyes. Dunno guys, being unplugged is pretty "neato" I suppose but the questions I asked when I was 15 further along the line have lead to even greater questions at this age.
Being ignorant is dangerous but having internalised an intense amount of information and having a perception of reality beyond most people isn't really what I bargained for. Definitely feel like an alien.
 
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